I was in a total state of chaos and confusion. I was going back and forth. Should I stay? Should I go? Which decision is right? Do I have the right to do what I want to do? Do I have the right to follow my heart? And, if I do, what the hell am I going to do? Do I have what it takes to support myself and my children? Do I want to leave this life of security? I have everything I could possibly want or need... or do I? Where is the relationship? Where is the connection? Where is the love? Do I really want to leave? What if he (my ex-husband) fights me on this? What if he gives me nothing? What right do I have to ask for anything?
This went on and on, day after day, for almost six years. I asked myself these questions over and over again. I was exhausted. But... was I ready for change?
At the time, I was seeing a counselor—my fourth one in six years. I am forever grateful to her for challenging me and speaking to me in a way that I was able to hear. Or, maybe I was ready to hear:
“Tuck, I don’t think you want to change. You are addicted to being in this place with yourself. You are addicted to self-help and counselors. You are asking the same questions over and over. You are being guided and having your questions answered over and over... yet you don’t change. You don’t do anything different for yourself. You keep finding someone different to listen to you. I’m not going to listen. You need to decide if you want your life to change. You must take responsibility for where you are and make a change, or I can’t help you. What do you want to do?”
And, then she went silent.